Smiling through the Tears

We are currently on a vacation. A family vacation, an extended family vacation. I am not ready to write about the whole vacation but this evening highlighted to me how one event can be so joyous and also bittersweet at the same time.

Today we went to the Magic Kingdom. As I sat on the ferry ride over, I couldn't help but think of all the times I had been to Disney with my family and sat on that same ferry. My eyes fell on my husband who had my youngest daughter's hand in his and I could almost feel the sensation of my hand in my dad's, that timeless connection between father and daughter repeated over again in my husband and daughter.

As I stood with my excited children (and husband) in line to drive the cars on the Motor Speedway, I remembered a hot August night when I was 12 and my stepbrother was 11. My dad and stepmom gave us 10.00 and told us to meet them back at the main gates of the park at midnight. I shudder now as a mother but times were different then. Eric and I had the best time that night riding our favorite rides over and over again with no parent telling us that we had to move on now. We laugh about it now, a shared memory.

Finally, I stood in the crowds of people tonight waiting for the fireworks to begin and I remembered my very first visit to Disney with my mom. I was only about five years old and I stood on Main Street staring at the beautiful castle and watching the fireworks explode overhead and thought that this truly was a magical place. Tonight I got to see that same expression in the girl's eyes as Cinderella's Castle changed colors and the fireworks burst into color in the background.

And then I heard the tears and I turned even though I knew who was crying and why she was crying. Abby managed to choke out, "I miss my Gen-Gen." Always in these truly beautiful breathtaking moments that she is truly enjoying, it is as if she knows how much her Gen-Gen would have enjoyed being there and watching how much the girls were enjoying themselves. I heard her Daddy say, "I miss her too" with a choked voice and he wrapped his arms around her.

The tears fell from my eyes then as the enormity of the loss of my dad hit me again. How I wish he could have been standing next to me tonight. Seeing that what he poured into me as a father has shaped me as a mother. That the dad that he was to me is the dad that I will always encourage Bud to be in his girls lives.

I scooped up Maddie and she laid her cheek next to mine and then pulled back and wiped her hand over my tears and said, "You miss your Daddy, don't you?" How intuitive she always is. She kissed my cheek and said, "Don't cry Mama. Aren't the fireworks beautiful?" And she was right. It would have been so easy to miss the beauty and the joy of the moment for the pain.

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" Dr. Seuss