Overcome

Two weeks ago the notice came home, the same notice that has come home before for my other two children.  Chorus tryouts.  We have weathered one child trying out twice and not making it either time and another child deciding not to try out at all (which might have been a good thing).

I was surprised when Maddie seemed to give the idea some consideration.  While she doesn't mind singing and has a pretty voice, she definitely does not like to call attention to herself and the tryouts seemed to be a bit out of her comfort zone.

I, of course, worried.  What is she didn't make it?  What is she was scared?  I think many times I have almost discouraged the girls from doing difficult things that might cause them pain because I don't want them to be hurt.  The reality is thought that my job in life is not to minimize every bit of pain for the girls.  It is to teach them that life isn't always easy and that beauty isn't necessarily found in those things that are easily gained but in those things that are difficult.

And so I encouraged her to try out.  I filled out the paperwork and sent it in for her.  When she wavered in her decision I encouraged her to go through with it.

The day of the tryouts I left for work in the morning and gave my girl a hug and reminded her of the verse that we gave her when she was baptized, "Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:9.

And......   she did it.  She admitted that it wasn't easy and that she even got so overwhelmed at being in the spotlight that she cried.   But she started over and finished it.  We haven't found out if she made it or not and frankly, I could care less. What I do care about is that she did it, she followed through and didn't let her fear overcome her desire to do something.  It's not in the achievement itself but in the striving to achieve.

School Days 2012-2013

The summer flew by much too quickly for either the girls liking or my liking.  It's hard to believe that summer is over (even though it technically is not over for another month).  The girls are in 4th, 7th and 9th grade this year which I find completely unbelievable.

Just yesterday I was saying that they were 3, 6, and 9 years old and now they are double that plus a few.

Our schedule is a bit different this year.  Maddie and Destiny will leave for the bus at the same time around 7:15 and they get on about 5 minutes apart for the elementary and high school bus.

Abby's schedule remained the same as last year.  She needs to leave at 8:25 to catch the middle school bus.  We were not sure what to do with Abby.  Abby hates being alone at home and it was always fine before this year because she had Destiny at home.  Abby had the option of going to the neighbors but that had three kids getting ready to leave before 7:15 and Abby at the neighbors house which while okay, was not ideal.  Abby and the neighbor girl do well together in very, very small amounts but every day I knew would strain the relationship.  We were up to the first day of school with no answers and then.....

One of Abby's very best friends from Elementary School has a mother who is a teacher in a high school close to us and had sent her daughter for 6th grade to the middle school closest to that high school.  Her daughter didn't have a good year and so this year she switched her to Abby's middle school.  Every morning she drops her off at our house just after Destiny and Maddie leave and the two of them eat breakfast together and get ready to together and leave together.  The perfect answer to prayer.

The first few days have gone well.  Destiny was a bit nervous those first few days as she navigated around an entirely new school and one that was twice the size of her old school but she has settled in nicely and seems to be making friends and enjoying cross country with new teammates.  Abby was the one we were worried about after her year last year but she ended up in classes with friends this year and has lunch with one of her very best friends and she could not be happier.  Maddie, my go-with-the-flow child, seems to be doing just fine in 4th grade with her new teacher.

Here to another wonderful school year, 2012-2013

 Maddie, 4th grade.  Refused to dress up.  She wanted to be sporty.

 Destiny, 9th grade.  This is her "I'm terrified" look. 

 Abby, 7th grade.  My little fashion maven.

Abby and her friends from the neighborhood

Happy 12th Birthday

Dearest Abby,
You are 12 today and like I say every year,"Where did the time go?" Seriously though, where did the time go.  For your first birthday, your Daddy and I took the afternoon off from work in Albuquerque and took you for your first birthday pictures.  They remain among my favorite pictures of you in your sweet red Tommy dress, in your pretty white one with the flowers and then your naked self dripping in pearls.  If I could have only kept you little.....

It has been a pleasure to watch you grow though.  Every new experience that you have is something that I get to enjoy with you and I love that.  I love how you bound through life and how difficulties don't slow you down.

This year was a hard one.  It was your first year in middle school and so many days my heart ached for you as you said over and over again, "I hate school."  Not having your friends with you for lunch and for classes and then feeling like you were being picked on was so hard.  I wanted to scoop you up and bring you home or go after the mean kids but I couldn't.  All I could do was rub your back, pray and reassure you that you were loved here at home.  We made it through.

Fall brought middle school cheerleading and if middle school was rough, middle school cheerleading was even rougher.  It was your first experience with mean girls.  I am so proud of you though for not letting them get you down, for sticking the season out and for working so hard.  For your efforts you got two first place trophies!! The smile on your face was worth it all (although the orthopedic bill from the separated shoulder because your fly couldn't quite get it down was a bit expensive).

Winter brought Color Guard and "Oh My!"  While we loved the concept, we were not fond of the practices, the coach and the team mom.  I don't think we  will be forgetting the Pink Robots very soon.

Boys entered the picture a bit more this past year.  Fifth grade at Lewis was spent liking one sweet boy Liam but sixth grade was a revolving door of boys you liked and then didn't like.  We did a group fun night with two of the boys from your class and watched Hunter spend all of his money trying to win you something and then you walking over to the claw Machine and trying twice and winning a stuffed animal almost as big as you.  Talk about hurting a boys ego.

I have watched you grow and mature this year and I am so proud of you.  You have volunteered for nursery in church and I have watched your relationship with God grow.  I hope that you will always stay close to Him and know that He is your everything.

I am trying not feel sad as I am watching my little girl grow up and while there still is that small part of you that is a little girl,  I know it won't be long until I can't see her anymore.

I love you so much Tink!   You were my first and you made me a Mama.

Love,

Mama

The Faces of My Girl Over the Years

Happy 9th Birthday Maddie

Dear Maddie,
Happy Birthday Sweetheart!  You are 9 years old today.  9 years ago today Daddy and I went to the hospital and 2 hours later, you were in our arms.  The most precious gift from God.  Such a tiny, sweet little face.  Time has flown by so quickly.  I know that you are growing up but I will always see you as my little girl.  This year has been a big one for you.  I feel like you have made the transition from little girl to big girl.  

Physically you are changing so much.  You have gotten so tall and so thin.  In fact, I am always telling you to eat.  You got your braces and expander in and you really don't enjoy eating much.  It's a struggle to find things that you like and that you will eat enough of.  I wish that you liked milk but you tell me all the time how much you "hate" it.

You started third grade in the fall and ended up with the most fantastic teacher, Ms. Hunter.  She did the right amount of supporting you, while pushing you to accomplish all the things that she knew you could.  You were sad that you didn't make Target but at the same time Mama was relieved because she knew how much you hate homework and there is so much extra homework in Target.  I spent quite a bit of time explaining that God gives each of us different gifts and that while you had good grades, you also were a phenomenal athlete.

Speaking of athletics.... You dominated in two sports this year, basketball and soccer.  I stand in awe every time I watch you play.  You obviously didn't inherit your athletic talents from me.   Maybe from your Daddy!  You were asked to join the Academy Soccer program at the YMCA.  While the 1/2 season with them was less than fabulous and your coach scared you, you still went out there every week and gave it your all.  I think we were all relieved when you stopped playing for the YMCA.  We moved you to the North Atlanta Soccer Association (NASA) in the Spring and you played rec for one season with your daddy coaching you.  I was proud to watch you lead on the field and to help your newer teammates.  You tried out for and were accepted to the NASA Academy on your first night of tryouts.  What an accomplishment!!!  We are so excited for this new season and for all the wonderful things that you will do under Coach Ward.

You also excelled in Basketball.  This waas the first year that you played for the Allatoona Bucs program and you had a great time with your daddy being your assistant coach.  You played such a good game that the high school coach inquired about you!  Your team placed second in the playoff game and you gave them a run for their money.  What a great season!!!

You were baptized this year and that made me the proudest.  You came to the decision on your own and asked us if you could be baptized.  You chose Pastor Craig to baptize you but you wanted Daddy and I in the water with you.   The verse that I felt was chosen for you was Jeremiah 1:9-Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.  My prayer for you is that you always follow Him, that you not be swayed by the world or popularity but that you always stand for Him.  

You had so many great friends this year and really spent quite a bit of time with them.  Your best friends were in your class, Jordan and Ella but you also were good friends with Sophie and Rylee.  Mama was also happy that your friendship with Kyla continues.  She is one of the oldest friends that you have to hang out with.  You are also friends with a fair amount of boys and get mad when I tease you about them.  Mama loves Ryan but you always say, "Mama, he is my friend!"  Makaii called you quite a few times this summer and your friend Cade.   Part of me is very happy that you just like boys as friends right now.

We have had some memorable vacations this year, staying on a Houseboat in Philadelphia Harbor and getting a ride from the Police back from South Street to the boat and going to NYC and visiting the site of the Twin Towers.  We also returned to Blue Mtn.  for the 4th year in a row and you had a great time playing with your friend Anna all week.

This was a rough year with you and your sisters, especially Abby.  You seem to resent that she is the bigger sister and I spend quite a bit of time telling you to be sweet to her.   I am encouraged though that you can still cuddle up at night in her bed and giggle and love on each other so I know that there is hope for the two of you.

Watching you grow this year has been bittersweet.  I love to see you learn and try new things but I also hate that you are growing so quick.  I am so proud of you sweetheart.  Daddy and I love you so much.

Love,
Mama

 Newborn Maddie

1st Birthday (House Party, Ohio, Ladybug Theme)

 2nd Birthday (Bounce U, Ohio)

 3rd Birthday (House Party, Georgia)

 4 years old 

 5 years old

 6th Birthday (Blue Mtn. Christian Retreat, Pennsylvania)

 7th Birthday (HersheyPark, Pennsylvania)

 Eight Birthday, (Pool Party, Georgia)

My 9 year old beauty

Always be my baby

It's funny because I have always seen Abby as so grown up. When she was a year old I remember thinking, she isn't my baby anymore.  

Maddie was different.  Maybe because she is my last, I see her still as a baby.  I am always shocked when I see her standing next to our friend's children and she towers over them because she is "the baby" always in my mind.

The last few weeks though have really shown me how much she has grown up.  The first happened when we were on vacation and she saw a cute little red haired boy in the grocery store and paid attention to him.  That's the first time that has ever happened.  

She is now my social butterfly.  She has been gone 5 out of the last 7 nights to three different friend's houses and parties.  My phone rings now and it's her friends that are calling her.  "Can I speak to Maddie?"

Not sure where the baby went and who the beautiful young lady is in her place and I am not so sure that I like it either.  

But she will always be my baby!

     Eight months old 2004

Eight years old 2012

My Junior

Maddie has had a wonderful three years in Girl Scouts.  In large part due to the fantastic troop leaders that she has.  I know that many of her wonderful memories of elementary school will be of these girls who have played such a big part in her many adventures.

Last night she bridged up to Juniors with her friends.  It seems like yesterday that she was a tiny Daisy, then a Brownie and now she has earned her green Junior sash.  I know that many awesome adventures await her in the next few years.

 My baby Daisy in 2010

 Singing her Brownie fly-away song.  Last moment as a Brownie

 Ms Jennifer putting on her Junior Sash

 Ms Donna pinning on her Girl Scout pin

                                       

 "On my honor, I will try to serve God, my country, and to live by the Girl Scout law."

My sweet girl and friend

She is growing up

I know the girls are growing up but every once in awhile I am confronted face-to-face with how much they are growing.  Today was one of those days.

Today was the eight grade formal. The dance that we have talked about for three years.

Destiny was asked by six different boys and thankfully, she opted to just go to the dance and hang out with friends.  It made this Mama's heart breathe a little bit easier.

She has no idea how beautiful she is.  Part of her beauty is that she is unaware of how many heads that she turns.   In every day clothing she is beautiful, dressed up tonight with her hair and makeup done, in a gorgeous but appropriate dress, she was breathtaking.

She was nervous getting out of the car.  Very timid and unsure of herself.  I joked with her that if I looked like she did I would be strutting it for all it was worth.  

She had a wonderful time with her friends.  She slow danced once with a boy (the school obviously felt that more than one slow dance was too many) and spent the rest of the time dancing with friends.  

After the dance, she wanted to go to Steak and Shake with friends and wanted me to go with her to meet her friends mom.  Obviously. I was thrilled that she wasn't too cool to be seen with her mother.  She walked in and every boy's head swiveled, one boy even told her how much he liked her dress.  

She is growing up and there is nothing I can do about it.  

The Black Dress

I looked into the closet for something appropriate to wear, something that would match the occasion.  I held up a shirt, a skirt and nothing looked quite right and then I saw it.

The dress.  The dress that I had hoped I would never wear again.  The one that I had shoved to the back of my closet after I wore it. I last wore it six years ago to my mother-in-law's funeral.  I knew that I would never wear it again in my every day life because it reminded me so much of that day, of that time, of all the pain.

I pulled it out and it fit.   This morning I put the dress on and the dark jewelry and I went to say goodbye to a hero.

1st Lt. Jonathan P. Walsh.  A husband, a father, a son, a brother and a friend.   He died on April 22nd, 2012 in Afghanistan coming to the aid of another platoon when an IED exploded and took his life and the life of another young soldier with him.

His parents are our neighbors.  JP was finishing up school in the two years after we first moved here.  He came and helped Bud move a playset for our girls.  He was handsome and strong and had his whole life in front of him.  He was 28 years old.

It has become easy in the past few years to forget the sacrifices that are being made by our military members.  The dangers that they face.   The hardships and heartaches that their families endure while they are gone.

We were reminded this past week as we saw the pain on his parent's faces, as his brother carried JP's 5 month old son as they walked toward the casket, as one of his platoon members knelt in front of his mother and said again and again, "I am so sorry," and as his wife reached out to accept the flag placed into her arms, "On behalf of a grateful nation...."

I came home this afternoon, exhausted and saddened by the events of the day.  Praying and thinking of his family and what they have lost and what this will mean to them in the future.  I hung the black dress up and once again shoved it to the back of the closet hoping that it will not need to be pulled out again anytime soon.

Maddie's Writing Assignment  09/2011

I love you the yellowest Mom

I love you like the morning sun through the window
and
like the butterfly fluttering by
and
a sunflower in the garden.

I love my mom like the yellow strip in the rainbow
and like the yellow stars.

I love you like the tip of a highlighter and
the inside of a lemon
and
like the moon setting in the morning sky
and
like Dad's GT shirt.

I love my mom like a starfish,
a big smiley face,
a kite in the sky
and your name on a nursing book.

I love my mom because she helps me with everything.

Holding them close

I laid down with Maddie tonight as she drifted off to sleep and sleepily said, "I love you Mama." I considered just how blessed I am to be the mom of three girls. Three girls who make my world go round and who are such a blessing and a pleasure.

Today reading FB I realized that a dear friend had experienced a loss but I had to read back through several posts on her wall until I discovered just what that loss was. She and her husband lost their youngest daughter this past week. She was 31 and far too young to be taken from them. I sent a note to her and she graciously responded but she is obviously devastated and planning a memorial service for her child. As she said to me, "I should not be planning this."

Two other friends also lost daughters this month and their hearts are aching and their arms are empty and they would give anything for just another moment. I have cried multiple times today thinking of my friend and my other friends and praying that God will bring peace and comfort to them.

So tonight as I lay down beside my girls I will pray for my friends and I will hold my own girls close.

Middle School Misery

Abby had such high hopes for Middle School. I remember her going along to Destiny's orientation and Abby's eyes lighting up at the clubs and the groups that she could participate in. She loved the idea of lockers and switching classes.

Halfway through middle school and she is not loving it.

She turns 11 only 2 weeks before school starts. This means that in many cases she is almost 6 months to 1 year younger than her classmates. She isn't in a hurry to grow up and I am not in a hurry to grow up. I don't think she needs makeup or strapless dresses or go on dates yet. But she is surrounded with this on a daily basis. Not everyone but many of the people that she goes to school with are in such a hurry to grow up. She feels pressure enough that she remarks on it. She wishes she were still in elementary school in her one class with her teacher that adored her and her friends. She rarely sees those friends. They are not in her classes and they don't share her lunch period.

My girl is desperately unhappy and so am I watching her. Every day brings a complaint of a headache or a stomachache. I know that so much of it is because of school. My sweet girl who never missed a day if she could help it now begs to stay home. She calls me to come and get her early.

Last week she cried and cried about a boy that was bullying her at lunch and so I talked to her teacher. Her teacher was wonderful and understanding and it is being addressed but in the process of all of this she has found out that people she considered friends are not friends. When she moved lunch seats because of the bullying , they stayed to sit with the bully and her feelings were hurt. Abby loves her friends and would do anything for them and would stand up for them and to not have that reciprocated breaks her heart.

It isn't that easy to say, "this too shall pass," because I am watching her confidence being eroded. I am watching my formerly happy girl be desperately unhappy. I see the light in her on Fridays and on Saturday and watch it slowly dim on Sundays as she realizes that school is the next day. I know that her dad thinks it will be okay. Ironic because it still talks about the teasing that took place when he was that age and how it affected him.

There really are not any alternatives right now. Another public school would bring the same situation. Homeschooling is not an option. Private school is not affordable.

And so I pray. I pray every night for her to have strength to know herself and know how much we, her family love her and how much Jesus loves her and how very unimportant any of these people are. And I pray for me, pray that I am the mom she needs and that the comfort and love that I give her will help her stay strong.

Show Us Your Life-Working Moms

I have never linked over from Kelly's blog for any of the "Show Us Your Life," because quite frankly my life isn't that exciting. I don't decorate, I don't have a single relative to offer up, and I definitely don't cook very well. When I saw that today's topic was about Working Moms though I just had to post.

I am an Oncology Nurse Navigator working in a community cancer center in a large metropolitan city. I guide patients, families, and their caregivers to informed decision-making; collaborating with a multi-disciplinary team to allow for timely cancer screening, diagnosis, treatment and increased supportive care across the continuum. That is quite a mouthful but what I do is ensure that my patients have everything they need to make decisions regarding their care. This includes doing education with them on their cancer, walking through their treatment options, helping them to look realistically at their future and what is important to them.

I do other things in my position such as: ensuring that the uninsured and underinsured get the cancer care they need, determining that they have everything they need in order to complete their treatment, whether that be assisting a patient to find childcare or transportation to their treatments, linking them to our supportive services such as nutrition counseling, behavioral health counseling, exercise classes and support groups.

I have had the privilege of seeing patients finish treatment and move into survivorship and I have also watched beloved patients die and have cried with their family. I have been allowed into some of the most intimate moments in these people's lives and I never taken that honor for granted.

I love what I do and I couldn't imagine doing anything else. I love going to work each day.

This past year I accepted a position in a cancer program where I am developing their navigation program in breast, colon, lung and gyn cancers. It has been a long year but such a rewarding one as I see the impact that we have had in patient's lives.

When my girls were much younger I didn't feel as confident in my decision to work outside the home. I let comments get to me, "daycare was raising my child," "I could never do what you do, I could never leave my baby." I almost let those comments eat me up inside. Ironically, the church where I should have felt the most love and support was often the most judgemental place about my choice to work.

Many years older now, I have come to the realization that I don't have to justify my decision. I don't engage in the working mom vs. stay-at-home debate. Those who are most vocal I believe, are often the most uncomfortable with their own decision to be at home or to work. I believe that God placed me where I am and that he gave me this career to make a difference in people's lives.

I have three beautiful girls and while I hope that they pursue more education, my prayer is that they discover what God has for them and for their lives, whether that be as a neurosurgeon, a missionary or a stay-at-home mom.

I balance as best as I can. I am fortunate to have a flexible position which allows me to be at class parties and career days. I go in late some days and early others. I balance professional work dinner meetings with pizza nights at Stevie B's with my husband and girls. I am fortunate to have a stay-at-home mom friend who loves my girls like her own. My youngest goes home after school each day to her house and hangs out and does her homework there. In return, I chauffeur our girls to Color Guard practices, pay for music instrument rentals for both of our children, babysit for date nights for her and her husband and make sure that I never take her for granted. It works well for us and that is what is important.