Life is also filled with moments of intense sorrow. Where it hurts to take a breath. Where you feel everything so intensely and the pain seems never-ending.
and then life is filled with those moments when you have to remind yourself to just breathe. Just breathe and put one foot in front of the other.
That is where my life is right now.
Someone the other day tried to tell me that I just needed to look "on the bright side." I hadn't been complaining or really sharing anything about life right now, this person took it upon themselves to assume that I needed that message. It didn't help, not one single bit. And it didn't help because I do look on the bright side.
I have a wonderful husband, three great kids, a job that I love and some incredible friends. I am aware every day that there are people who have it far worse than I do.
The thing is though sometimes you hurt and getting up in the morning is a battle and you find yourself not so much conquering the day as enduring it. Counting the moments until you can put your head on the pillow and escape for a few hours. Multiple hours throughout the day I remind myself to "just breathe."
The interesting thing is that I have played the part for so long that I am really good at saying that "I'm fine" and that "things are good." After all, isn't this what people want to hear? Do they really want to hear that things are not so great, that your house is still torn up from one end to the other, that your oldest child between behavior issues and health issues makes you want to run far, far away, that you worry incessantly about the next bad thing that will happen because for five years there has always been that next bad thing. Kind of like waiting for a shoe to drop.
And that is where I am now.
Who do I talk to? I have two friends that I feel comfortable telling how I feel. Mainly because I know that they won't tell me to "look on the bright side." I hate to burden them though because each has their own set of worries. I don't talk to family. My husband is as stressed if not more stressed than I am. My mother also has her own set of worries and of course, my dad, the one person I could talk to about anything, is gone.
So......
I talk to God alot. I don't necessarily call it prayer because it is more of a running conversation with him. A conversation that includes quite a bit of me spilling out my disappointments, ranting about how unfair life is and sometimes just crying out. I wait for him to speak back to me (not audibly but that still quiet voice in my heart that I know is his). Sometimes I think I hear him and sometimes I hear nothing at all.
I really don't know what else to do. My life isn't all about me, it's also about the four other people who share this life with me. Laying on the floor and crying isn't really an option. I could see a therapist but it would take time and money, neither of which I have an abundance of right now.
So for right now in this period of life, God and I will continue the conversation and I will "just breathe."
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