Sad and broken

I find myself silent lately. I still look at my FB account but rarely post. I haven't written here much. The entries don't seem to be in me. I feel kind of broken and kind of sad.

It's been a hard winter. There has been so much loss around us this winter. It seems that every day someone else tells me they have lost someone. My roommate from college's soon to be born baby, Bud's fraternity brother, my friend's husband, a local high school football standout that played for one of our friends that is a coach, my co-workers 24 year old daughter, my friend's dad, my other's friends daughter that is missing. I am having trouble shaking the sadness. Thinking of how fleeting life is.

Don't get me wrong. I am not wallowing or trying not to. I'm still enjoying life, my husband, my girls. I'm still laughing and dreaming. I just find myself more introspective lately, less likely to want to talk about all of it with anyone (unless the conversations that I have with my Dad in my head count).

I find myself realizing that I have spent years trying to make other's happy, to do the right thing, to create illusions of perfectness. The irony is that the harder I tried the more I resented trying when others were not (from my perspective) or resented when I couldn't be perfect and all of that would just make me angry and angry made me bitter and bitterness is pretty recognizeable and not very attractive I might add.

And now........

I think I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin and recognizing that I'm not perfect. I am not the perfect wife, mother, daughter, friend. I am never going to be perfect. I could use the line but "I'm forgiven" which makes me smile as I write it. I think of course that God loves me but I recognize that He wouldn't necessarily approve of me, of the person that I am.

So, I feel kind of broken and sad and maybe that's just the way that He wants. I just know that I can't try anymore and I can't pretend.