Sad and broken

I find myself silent lately. I still look at my FB account but rarely post. I haven't written here much. The entries don't seem to be in me. I feel kind of broken and kind of sad.

It's been a hard winter. There has been so much loss around us this winter. It seems that every day someone else tells me they have lost someone. My roommate from college's soon to be born baby, Bud's fraternity brother, my friend's husband, a local high school football standout that played for one of our friends that is a coach, my co-workers 24 year old daughter, my friend's dad, my other's friends daughter that is missing. I am having trouble shaking the sadness. Thinking of how fleeting life is.

Don't get me wrong. I am not wallowing or trying not to. I'm still enjoying life, my husband, my girls. I'm still laughing and dreaming. I just find myself more introspective lately, less likely to want to talk about all of it with anyone (unless the conversations that I have with my Dad in my head count).

I find myself realizing that I have spent years trying to make other's happy, to do the right thing, to create illusions of perfectness. The irony is that the harder I tried the more I resented trying when others were not (from my perspective) or resented when I couldn't be perfect and all of that would just make me angry and angry made me bitter and bitterness is pretty recognizeable and not very attractive I might add.

And now........

I think I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin and recognizing that I'm not perfect. I am not the perfect wife, mother, daughter, friend. I am never going to be perfect. I could use the line but "I'm forgiven" which makes me smile as I write it. I think of course that God loves me but I recognize that He wouldn't necessarily approve of me, of the person that I am.

So, I feel kind of broken and sad and maybe that's just the way that He wants. I just know that I can't try anymore and I can't pretend.

It's amazing

how words can bring such joy or such sorrow. Sweet "I love you's" whispered from my husband or from my girls make my eyes light up and my heart feel warm. It can take a day that is gray and gloomy and transform it into sunshine and light.

At the same time, words can also bring pain strong enough to drop you to your knees. Pain that is almost physical it hurts so badly. The words I heard tonight were not ones that were unexpected. They were guised under a friendly tone but the warning was there nonetheless. How I wish that they didn't hurt so. I wish that the aura that I projected was really me, the "you can't hurt me, me"

One of those days

You ever have one of those days where you just feel overwhelmed and alone. This isn't one of those days, it's one of those weeks. I have a few things going on that at the moment seem insurmountable to me. My heart is heavy and quite honestly, I am just sad. I miss my dad this week more than words can say. The other night I was driving and I thought back to the time in the hospital when he wasn't talking yet and I sat there just crying and he reached over gently and rubbed my tear away and patted my face. I miss the comfort that he gave. I miss him.

And yet in the midst of feeling overwhelmed and alone, I remember that I am not ever really alone. That the road is not an easy one all of the time. Life is not a destination but a journey. And what is to come if far better than anything than I could ever imagine. And so I press on.